I have been stuck on this one particular boy for years. I don't know why. He gives nothing. I give him nothing, but for some reason I can't shake him off. After four years I can't say that I know him. I can give you the basic outlines of his personality, but I do not know him. What I do know is that whenever I look into his eyes my heart flutters and I feel light. I look into those eyes and I want to know their story.
I have not had the honor of knowing his story. So I pine and wait.. and concoc various ways to position myself in his life. None have worked and after four going on five years I have not been able to accept this.
The question is, why? Why do I choose him or to prolong this situation? I date and have men never call me again and vice versa; been dumped more than once too and after a week of crying, I let go. Why can't I let go?
My friend said it's because I take myself too seriously. Honestly, that pissed me off because in my mind that means for four years I yearned for this man simply because of my ego - not because I genuinely care for him.
I'll come clean - I did want him to tell me that he cared about me, that he liked me as a person, that when he saw me he didn't just see boobies and a big ole' booty, but me. If I waited four years for that - do I take myself too seriously? I REALLY don't know the answer.
Know thyself.
I have no idea what the purpose of our relationship was - I do believe everyone that comes into your world has a purpose and with him I don't know what it is. Perhaps if I knew the purpose I would be able to let go.
Maybe I should be able to let go without necessarily understanding....
Just thinking about this is making me feel I'm going through a whirlwind.
I don't want to be one of those people that takes themselves too seriously. I don't want to be stuck on things and people that do not matter. I am just grasping at a higher reason or purpose for us crossing paths.
I don't know... I thought writing this post would help me understand but I still don't understand.
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ReplyDeleteI think the problem is not that you take yourself too seriously but rather the other way around. He may also been the only one that had a taste of T and wanted more but the way t sounds I fear he calls for me on his terms and not a mutual thing. Stop me if I am wrong, please.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the sole purpose of him being in your life is that you both have a great sexual chemistry and that is all it will be as I cannot imagine a man who considers a woman a potential life partner still only screwing after fours years. If you feel you do not know anything perosnal or important to him about him, then that alone is answer enough...people share themselves they care about. Hey, these things are common.
I feel you should read Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man to help you get your decision of completely cutting ties in perspective. I think once completed, you will realize your man-friend is exploiting you sexually on his terms and that is all he sees you as.
After four years of just screwing, realize that that it exactly all it will be. You are his fix and until you understand that you will not have the strength to let go, "shake" it off.
You cannot MAKE a man commit to you. Within the 1st step over to a female a man knows whether or not she is what he will categorize as Friend, Lover, Relationship he clearly chose you as his lover which means there is a great chance he has his relationship elsewhere.
Do yourself a favor for the sake of self appreciation and let it go. Shake it off.
You will appreciate it in the long run.
Signed,
Avec Amour